The Light Fantastic
by PutMoneyInThyPurse
Summary: Kelly teaches Scotty to dance, or tries to. Part of the Dig-Up-Ancient-Fics-From-Email-Sentbox Initiative.


"One—two—and one-two-three. One—two—and one-two…OW!"

Kelly Robinson hopped away from Alexander Scott on one leg, grabbing his foot and glaring daggers at his partner. "You wanna cripple me for life?"

Scott looked at him mildly. "It does your image no good to be whining at a tiny little injury."

"It does my foot no good to be stomped on!"

Eventually, Kelly quit hopping, and limped exaggeratedly over to the record player, moving the needle to the start of the cha-cha-cha record. "Okay, from the top." He moved over to Scotty. "Remember, I'm the girl."

"A statement which in other circumstances would be hilarious."

"If certain parties didn't mind getting a smack in the mouth. Do you want to learn to dance before tonight's shindig or not?"

Scotty raised his hands in submission. "Lead on, O Great White Warrior."

Kelly placed a hand on Scotty's waist, a hand on his shoulder, nodding approvingly as his partner mirrored his position. "'Least you remembered this time," he grunted. "The way it's been going, I'd've expected you to have that hand up my…"

"Now really, is that any way for a dance instructor to talk?"

"I am not a dance instructor, I am a spy. Now, listen to the beat first. Listen—sway—and one, two, and one—GODDAMMIT!"

Scotty looked down at the floor, and chuckled, not nearly shamefacedly enough, in Kelly's opinion. "Are you trying to—You've been paid off by the enemy, that's what it is! They want you," Kelly staggered to a chair and crashed down into it, "to destroy their finest and most upstanding agents." At Sctty's curious glance, Kelly went on. "They mean to cripple me, see, and if that happened, it would mean they'd be rid of you."

"How'd you slice that?"

"Well, if you cripple me, I'm gonna kill you."

"Temper, temper."

"This is not funny."

"I beg to differ."

"If you do not realize the seriousness of the situation," Kelly said gravely, taking off his shoe and beginning to massage his stomped-on foot, "allow me to remind you that the beautiful Jacqueline will be arriving at 8:30 tonight, with every expectation that you'll wow her with the dance steps of which she is such an aficionado."

"Aficiona_da."_

"What?"

"She's a woman."

"A wo—A w—" Kelly blinked. "What gives? I_ know _she's a woman, anyone with eyes could—Whaddaya take me for, a two-day-old stiff?"

"I do not," Scotty said patiently, "take you for anything. I was just commenting on the fact that you cannot use a _masculine_ adjective for a female."

"That word," said Kelly, flopping backwards to lie on the mattress facing the ceiling, "has passed into the English language, and therefore you do not have to show off your linguistic superiority by conjugating it."

"It's not a verb."

Kelly clapped a hand to his forehead. "_Now_ what?"

"It is an adjective, and as you are aware, sir, only verbs can be conjugated."

"Enjoy your conjugal bliss," said Kelly, drawing both legs up onto the mattress, "because your dance instructor just _quit."_

"Aw, you can't!"

"Certainly I can. Just watch me."

"You would not condemn me to the wrath of the lovely Jacqueline, when she finds out I cannot do those steps she so admires?"

"Certainly I would."

"Do not _do_ this to me. Some partner, leaving me in the lurch..."

"Face it, Scotty," Kelly rolled up on one elbow, more serious than he'd been so far, "it's not working. To teach you these steps by tonight – it needs a miracle. Hey…" He trailed off, thinking.

"There is an idea percolating in that head of yours."

"I do not plan. I scheme."

"Lay your scheme on me, then."

Kelly swung himself upwards in a sinuous whipcrack motion, diving for their suitcase. He produced muffled murmurs as he rummaged inside, culminating in an enthusiastic wave of a roll of gauze bandage and a triumphant expression. "…This."

"And what is this, may I enquire?"

Kelly crossed the room in two strides and dropped to his knees in front of Scotty. "It's a roll of gauze."

"Ah." Scotty nodded sagely. "I thought it was an elephant…"

Kelly ignored the sarcasm, unrolling a length of bandage. "It is also your ticket out of this quandary."

"Quandary?"

"Now surely you are familiar with what a quandary is. A dilemma, a tight spot, a…"

"I am aware of what a quandary is, and…" Scotty looked down at Kelly, who was wrapping the gauze in a thick, bulky pad around Scotty's perfectly healthy ankle. A smile began to form around his eyes. "May I ask what you are doing?"

"You may, but I deduce from that intelligent gleam in your eye, that you have guessed."

"You're a fraud, Jack."

"Mea culpa," Kelly said cheerfully, wrapping a few more layers of gauze around Scotty's ankle for effect, and fastening the whole thing securely. "I'll be sure to order a hair shirt next time we're in Hong Kong." He clapped Scotty briskly on the knee and rose. "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning."

"You think this is gonna work?" Scotty looked up at Kelly dubiously.

"Women are no-torious, my friend, for their motherly instincts. The moment she hears that you sprained your ankle while helping me with my tennis…uh… tennis leg…"

"You can't have tennis leg, man! You'd be flat on your back in bed when Judy arrives! In…" he checked his watch. "ten minutes!"

"Oh, wow—" Kelly darted into the bathroom, combing his hair, straightening his tie and smoothing his impeccable suit from the effects of kneeling on the floor. "What do you suggest, then?" he called.

Scotty appeared in the bathroom door. "Who knows? It's your bright idea."

"Don't be difficult."

"You want me to lie to a lady!"

"Like it'd be the first time. 'Sides, lying is our business."

"But this isn't business, it's pleasure…"

"How should I know?" Finally satisfied with his appearance, Kelly gave his cuffs one final tug and strode out into the room, Scotty trailing behind him. "Tell her somebody was trying to mug the rich American and…" Kelly nodded, warming to his subject. "That's good, that's good. Gals like heroic exploits." He barreled on before Scotty could remember – or remind him of – the last girl who was wowed by Kelly's 'heroic exploits', ending with a bout of anthrax and a harrowing time that neither really needed to remember right now. "Also, if you take into account the crime rate in this fair…"

There was a knock at the door of the tennis pro's extravagant suite. "Yes, my dear!" Kelly called out in his most charming voice, running to the door.

"Kelly!" Scotty hissed. "I can't be seen standing in the middle of the room like thi…" But Kelly had already opened the door, and it was too late to do anything that wouldn't make the girl smell the entire population of Bogota's sewer rats, so Scotty hurriedly improvised, dropping like a stone onto the bed and assuming an expression of heroic suffering. Judy and Jackie, as Judy called her, were fellow-socialites and good friends – it wouldn't do for Judy to know the truth and maybe tell Jacqueline later.

"Kelly…" Judy kissed him on the cheek with a radiant smile, which disappeared as she took a step into the room and caught sight of Scotty. "Oh, you poor _dear!_ What _happened?"_

Kelly followed her in. He loved it when his dates dug Scotty, and Judy had liked him from Day One. Not too many redheaded Rita-Hayworth-ringer jetsetters could pull off that trick. "Heroic deeds, honey, heroic deeds."

"Heroic?" Judy gasped. "What happened to him?"

"I saved him from an attack," said Scotty. It wasn't technically a lie; if he told Judy the truth, _she_ would be the one to attack Kelly for instigating him lying to her pal, so the sentence was a prime linguistic example of a Speech Act.

Judy flung herself down on the bed, flinging her fur stole somewhere to land on the floor. She took Scotty's hand in both of hers. "Oh, you brave, brave man!"

Scotty, thought Kelly, was enjoying this a little bit too much, judging by the way he smiled bravely and leaned back against the pillows. "Yeah, he's a real hero," Kelly said breezily. "I guess we'll just be going, now." Kelly took her hand. "See ya later, alliga…"

"What? You're leaving him in this state?" Blazing green eyes flashed up at Kelly. "You're a cad, Kelly Robinson!"

"What brought that on?"

"Going out and gallivanting around the town when your friend is in this state—and to think he got hurt helping you! Really, Kelly! I wouldn't have thought it of you!"

Scotty looked from one to the other, a little nervous at Kelly's warning glare. "I can take care of myself," he began. "You go on and…"

"I certainly am not going anywhere!" Judy folded her arms. "If Kelly wants to abandon you for a night on the town, he's more than welcome to go—without me. I'm staying right here!"

"Uh, he has a _friend_ coming over, Judy," Kelly said discreetly. "I think it'd be better for all concerned if we, you know, vamoose."

"And leave him alone? Not until Jackie gets here!"

Both men blinked. "Oh c'mon, you really think she didn't tell me? C'mon, fellas, we're best pals!"

Kelly looked at his watch. "Judy, he'll be fine. The show's gonna start—"

Judy gripped the 'injured man's' hand tighter. _"Kelly!"_

"There's nothing wrong with him!" Kelly yelled. "That a good night's sleep won't fix."

"I see." Judy nailed Kelly with a hard stare. "So going out and painting the town means more to you than helping a friend in need."

"Uh, I'm not really in need, honest—"

"You stay out of this," she snapped. "Look at him, Kelly! Defending your low-down actions even when he's hurt!"

Kelly clenched his fists and counted to ten. "We gotta get going," he smiled tightly. "The curtain's at…"

"Oho! So your precious ballet means more to you than—"

"Honey, _you_ were the one who said you wanted to go to the—"

"Blaming me now, are you!"

"Judy, are you coming with me or not?"

"Not," she said firmly.

"Hi, cool cats!" All bubbly smiles, Jacqueline walked in through the open door. "Oh, Alexander darling! Whatever happened to you?"

"I…"

"He…"

"Would you believe it, Jackie," Judy cut across the two men's faltering words, "he got hurt defending Kelly from somebody who attacked him on the street, and now Kelly wants to go out on the town and abandon him!"

"Hey, it's not like he's in the middle of the Sahara Desert here." Kelly flailed his arms. "There's all the modern conveniences known to man – music piped in, a radio, color television, telephone right here in the room!"

"He wanted to go out and leave him all alone! I stopped him."

"Bless you, Judy! You poor, poor thing." Jackie crossed round to the other side of Scotty's bed, and sat on the side across from Judy, taking his other hand. "Well, Judy and I aren't going to leave you alone," she cooed, "so you can just kiss that heartless Kelly good-bye!"

Kelly stared, open-mouthed. "Hey," Scotty said, finding himself finally allowed to speak, "you can't pretend that you weren't behind all this."

"Be—behind, behind, I'll give you behind—"

"Go away now, Kelly," Judy commanded. "Jackie and I are going to sit with Scotty until you finish your precious ballet."

"Sit with—Si—You're gonna—You—"

"Hey, Judy, it's really all right," Scotty interjected. "You kids go on and have fun…" He trailed off as he realized how that had sounded.

"Did you see how he wants to sacrifice himself just for you and Kelly?" said Jacqueline. "Isn't that just marvy?" She planted a kiss on the 'invalid's' cheek.

"Oh, wow, it's the sweetest thing." Judy planted a matching kiss on the opposite side. "You hardly ever see that self-sacrificing bent anymore."

"I'll tell ya who's gonna be bent…"

"Now, don't get bent outa shape, Herman…"

"A homicidal bent, that's what I…"

"Kelly," Judy said primly, "you're upsetting the patient."

_"Patient?"_

"Yes. Don't let him upset you, dear. Do you want us to order you something from room service?"

Kelly threw up his hands. "I know when I'm licked." He shot Scotty a Look. _Girls come and go, but I'm the one you're stuck with—so watch your back!_

Scotty had the grace to look a little alarmed as the room door slammed. That look of alarm fed Kelly's revenge fantasies all the way down to the ground floor. It was his turn to do the laundry next, and he had a new red cotton shirt, oh man, that was _so_ going in with Scotty's underwear. Not to mention the wet-shirt-under-the-pillow technique. Now what else could he do…?

Kelly shook his head; he'd been about to say _I'll have to pump Scotty about some of those big-brother revenge tactics, _only to realize his partner might not be that forthcoming for techniques to use on his own self. Most unfair, really.

But he'd find some way to get his partner back. It would be fun. He pictured Scotty's outraged expression, his rueful smile, as he fingered the ballet tickets in his pocket. Yeah – fun. More fun than the ballet. To which Kelly had to return the tickets, pronto. They'd cost a nice chunk of change, and if he returned them now, he could afford to go with Scotty to that new place on the—Oh, wait, he was supposed to be mad at Scotty. Where was he? Revenge tactics, right…

As he walked out of the hotel with a jaunty tread, he realized he was whistling.


End file.
